a half lie

who is he?
you guessed at his name
but only got the first letter right
you were close to the truth
but there were still a few men to name

just a friend
a half lie
but omitting its full benefits
i was close to our truth
but there was one we left unnamed

what are we?
the question we spiraled
through the years cycled
neither of us dared to ask
both of us knew

how could you be mine
when you exist in the abstract to my friends,
a vague resemblance of a good man
rolling from high to high
within the stoned tomb you called a life?

how could i be yours
when i exist as a convenient ideal to your friends,
the perfect woman when she wandered home
catering to your every whim
a prison within her fractured life?

we belonged to each other in name only
great in theory, but never application
so we danced around
the blame game
the find your faults game
the who’s right and who’s wrong game

tell me the truth babe
who would you name?

i’m fine

I’m fine.

A bold faced-lie through a bared teeth smile.
A deflection of questions from prying minds.
A set of fickle scales balanced just right. 

Fine.
A damnable word.

Everything is fine when we fly through the city nights,
watching the streets transform into tarmacs before our eyes.
Everything is fine when I lie through my teeth
and offer up words I don’t even mean.

Everything is fine when the jokes
cut too close and sink too deep. 

I’m fine as we speed through the nights,
blue lights flashing in our love-drunk eyes.
We got caught up in the moments and
they chase us
and corner us
and seize us
and I surrender. 

Fine is the price I pay
to be careful with your feelings
and careless with mine. 

I was fine,
I’m not anymore.

lie and say i do

You want me to love you.
I could lie and say I do,
Won’t it mean more if I say it when I’m ready to? 

You want something that ties you to me?
To make meaning of this mess?

I guess. 

I could say it if you want me to,
we both know it isn’t true.
It isn’t enough for me,
how could it ever be enough for you?

a punched line

“She still lives at home,
she'll pay.”

A punched line,
a pang in my chest,
soil fertile with resentment. 

The cashier exchanged
a look with my change
in his hand
and on my face.

This first joke with “no offense” became
”It's fine” in your defense.
always
your pride at my expense.

the elephant with your name

She wants to talk
about the new elephant in with your name
that now sits squarely in the middle of our break room.

I say ok but it’s a lie
I’m not ok and I don’t want to talk
I let my anxiety take the lead
my tongue dumb and sputtering 

imhappyforyoutwoihopeyourehappytoo
igetityoureniceandhotterthanme
itscoolitsfineillbeokimgonnago
bye 

I wish I knew what she had to say
but kindness felt like cruelty with a pretty face.

two weeks

Anticipation charged the air.
Our friends told me when they heard.
When she avoided my gaze,
I knew. 

Two weeks for her fill the spot I once slept.
Two weeks for her to become more than a friend.
How did she catch everyone’s eyes and choose yours?
How dare you say it just happened?

As if bodies braided in bedsheets is a random occurrence,
as if heartbreak you chose is tragic happenstance. 

Two weeks ago you said you loved me,
I wouldn’t say those words to you.
I’m not sure I could commit yet.
I’m not sure I ever want to. 

You said it’s for the best,
I hate that you might be right,
It’s more than my pride can take. 

Maybe I could change in more ways,
to stretch my skin closer to my bones
to find bigger ways to mean less. 

But what about me is so wrong that
two weeks so quickly
became too late?

keys

Remember when you lost your keys?
I wouldn’t look for the damn things
and your frustration honed in on me.

It wasn’t about the keys,
the first on today’s list of annoyances.
Yet somehow, it’s always about everything.

I don’t know where you dropped your keys.
I don’t know why she took your dog.
I don’t know why she chose her dreams.
I might know why you’re falling apart,
but that isn’t only because of me.

Do you expect me to solve everything?

Resigned and out of time,
you stormed out and slammed the door
before a quiet sunshine trickled through.

I found the answer
in the unchecked pocket of your favorite jacket,
the one you rarely wore,
afraid you might ruin it too.

Nothing I do will ever erase that fear embedded in you.

halloween

Halloween.
Perfect for pretending like I’m not
heartbroken and
dramatic and
sad.  

I’ll even wear a garbage bag.
If anyone asks,
I’m trash—ed.  

It’s funnier when I’m drunk.

At your party,
filled with strangers, your friends,
we pretend we’re already friends.
That’s why I’m here, right?
Because we’re friends?  

Drink secured in my hand,
I pretend your misplaced hand
doesn’t guide your intentions.
I drink in the festivities.
I join in the revelry.
I lie to myself a little more.  

Morning comes.

Your friends discard their costumes,
then me along with your candy wrappers.
My plastic wrap still intact.

Done with masks and charades,
you admit you wanted something more,
while being less than friends.

Your honesty should have stung,
but your dismissal is close to my truth.
I would have given something more,
just to feel less sad.

All you had to do was ask.

sun shine

No one volunteers to hold up the sky,
to drag the sun from east to west,
to catch the moon in webs of starlight,
to hurl planets across the universe’s expanse.

Tasks to humble arrogant gods,
but far too much for our mortal husks. 

No man alone can make the earth spin,
so why am I tasked with making your sun shine?

girl of my dreams

There once was a girl in my dreams,
a pretty, nimble, little thing.
No matter how fast or far,
she always slipped away from me.  

I followed her melodious laugh,
longing to respond.
Her eyes echoed moonlight,
like ripples in a pond.
She glided past so airily,
all the way to dawn. 

I haven’t seen her since something changed in you.

When she tiptoed across our pillow
and into our room,
did the girl of my dreams become yours too?

phoenix curse

Would you approve of my choices,
whenever you were?
Never mind,
I knew you didn’t. 

Yet,
I silently pled for permission.
I spun countless lies of omission.
The truth never made a difference.
You slipped in and out of focus,
Your disapproval haunts me from a distance.

When I asked for your company,
for you to abandon your monotony,
you said no every time.
When smoke slips from your lips,
I fade away before your next hit.  

When we occupy space and time
in the same sober frame of mind,
we fight and I cry and you turn into stone.
Incensed by my damp eyes,
you light your matches for our funeral pyre.

I pray that this fire would be our demise
so you can chase your precious highs
so I can stop weaving flimsy lies. 

When the fire dies from our tears or lack of fuel,
we resurrect ourselves from the ashes,
our phoenix curse renewed.

the world isn’t awake

The world isn’t awake yet,
just us.
No clinking cups or muffled steps,
only our beating hearts and even breaths.

Come a little closer.
These borrowed sheets aren’t big enough.
I’ll wrap you up in my arms
and let your hands slip into mine.
I’ll share my warmth with you,
even if your feet are cold. 

I don’t mind.

Let’s watch the clouds hide the sun,
extending our precious night.

Windows wide open,
morning creeps in,
colors swirl on your sheets,
transforming from lilac to pink. 

Let’s make our way to the door slowly,
squeeze a few more seconds from this in-between space,
before it’s time for me to leave. 

The morning is different.

A gentle kiss on my forehead
a deeper one on my lips.
You won’t ask me to stay,
but you won’t let me go.

Please.
Ask me to stay.

I won’t ask for anything more.

pearly gates

my teeth transform into pearly gates
keeping heaven between us
and hell within me